A flower, a song, a poem, anything given with good intention, these are soul gifts. Bought with love and hope and presented with inspiration and desire.
Soul Gifts – the Poem
Here
exposed and willing
a poem
a bloom
driftwood collected by the sea
My Soul gift
presented
with fragile affection
raw,
I wait
the gift
to settle
into your heart
and with deep sacred intention
melt
into your soul.
September 18th, 2015
written because I must share my Soul.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Yours.
In your eyes I saw it.
When you carried me on your shoulders
Sky high.
I felt it.
Giggling while holding onto your tree stump legs
Bouncing on your knees.
1 little, 2 little.
I was yours.
Tags: accepted, adopted, adoption, daughter, father, Soul Child
Who is to blame for my melancholy?
Is there such a thing?
For if I am to believe my own misery and lack of worth
Than it is my pitiful existence that has brought it on.
Pity is not what I am after. Nor sympathy. For my truth is what it is. Painful.
~ April 10, 2012 ~
I’ve been doing the dance of blues lately….
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: depression, sadness, tears
Only on a summer day
Can I dream the dream of yesterday
A memory that warms my heart
of friendship that shall never part
A bond of two to last forever
of days spent well and memories shared
Of loyalty and empathy
of laughter and many tears
We share our soul, we share our fears
we share time across the years.
And many a California summer day
We share sand time and giggle away.
~ April, 2, 2012 ~
For my Bellini Beans…. looking forward to summer BFFFFFF Written about the healing powers of the sand and a special friendship with Jeannie Pascuzzi.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: Bellini Beans, California, friends, friendship, heal, healing beaches, Jeannie Pascuzzi, sand time, soul, Summer, sunshine
Rays of golden orange hues
Across the dark blue waters gleam
Breathy clouds of morning mist
Along the canals, can be seen
Slowly rising like a fire
The waters turn a brilliant yellow
The dampness and the crisp cool air
Suddenly begin to mellow
The shades of red, orange and gold
Melt the water into honey
Sunrise wakes the Netherlands
Beauty worth more than Dutchmens’ money
~ November 10th, 1997 ~
This poem is about dreaming of love and hope, of far away places and the possibility of dreams becoming reality. I had not been to the Netherlands yet, but I wrote this poem in my mind’s eye while imagining what making love there would be like… thus an intimate and very revealing look into this poets mind for a moment. You can read great works of poetry today and have “experts” share their opinions of what the work means, I give little credence to such opinions, a reason why I enjoy sharing why or where I wrote something. How many people would truly be able to interpret this poem being about a woman’s orgasm? Reread it and see if you get it now.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: daydreaming, hope, making love, orgasm, Sunrises, the Netherlands
Blazing orange, vibrant red,
Golden yellow,
Wyatt is dead!
Gentle gray, charcoal brown,
His blackened ashes
Mark the ground!
Frothy white and midnight blue.
King Neptune,
I give my dog to you!
Peaceful green,
A mournful sigh,
Rainbow colors drop from my eye!
~ July 23, 1997 ~
We spread Wyatt’s ashes at his favorite spot at Dog Beach, San Diego, California. A spot that will always bring sunshine to my heart. After spreading them, I threw out his favorite orange retriever toy into the channel to be carried out to sea or perhaps another dog would find it and cherish it.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: dog, Dog Beach, Epilepsy, Golden Retriever, grief, grieving, pet loss, Wyatt Burp
Thoughts
Simple really,
Really simple.
Simply real, how I feel.
The holidays are approaching – make them stop!
Reverse, rewind – I don’t have the time to play this role.
No desire to act this one through.
What can I do?
Please lets just pass these ones by.
No tree, no joy, no Christmas carols,
No wrapping or packing or roasting turkeys.
Stop, reverse, rewind.
Lets not do the holidays this time.
~ November 1st, 1997 ~
I lay here.
I wander thinking
And then my thoughts begin to go asunder
And I question if I’m even real
I wake up
I walk out
Into the daylight where the sun is shining
And I notice I’m in shadows.
~ November 2nd, 1997 ~
I was so deeply depressed at this time in my life. This was not the first major episode of depression I had worked thru and gotten to the other side. A big part of my recovery was leaving a desperately abusive relationship – hard to cope with anything when you feel worthless and rejected all the time. To step out of a shadow life you must be willing to take your power back!
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: abuse, depression, fear, pain
The same walls
The same place, space
The same face
The same time
The same day
Will it ever go away?
This feeling of non existing
Of really not being
Painted on the wall
A shadow after all
Graffiti for the blind
Tactile only in my mind
The same dream
The same song
Playing all day long
Ringing in my head like a gong
Will it ever go away?
~ November 1st, 1997 ~
This poem has no title, much like I think my life felt at the time. So much unspoken turmoil during this stage of my life. Suicidal, terrified of my then husband, feeling helpless and hopeless… I did persevere with the love and help of others, some whom I had never met in person. It is never to late to reach out for help. You may be surprised at who throws you a life preserver! Just grab on!
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: depression, domestic violence, helpless, hopeless, suicidal
I can’t breath
The pain hurts so bad
I can’t breath
I’m painfully sad
I can’t breath
The worlds closing in
I can’t breath
I’m at my wit’s end
I can’t breath
My mind’s leaving me
I can’t breath
Let this breath set me free
I can’t breath
I don’t want to go on
I can’t breath
If this will last all life long
I can’t breath
Stop it please, stop it now
I can’t breath
Tell me when, show me how
I can’t breath
Lift this weight crushing me
I can’t breath
Heal my heart, set me free
October 27, 1997
I was no longer able to “ask” for help, so I wrote this poem and shared it with a close group of friends via email. Luckily, I got the support and encouragement I needed which included professional guidance as well. I don’t share this information often, but it is important to note that I did have a complete plan to commit suicide at this stage and I am forever grateful to Robert Elshout for sensing my struggle and offering help all the way from the Netherlands. He and a group of others provided distance Reiki and the results were astounding. I was given the gift of Reiki I when I traveled to the Netherlands the following year in a 3 day workshop with Robert and his Reiki Master Tineke “Tiny”.
Julia Ann Ferguson
Tags: cry for help, depression, reiki, suicidal, suicide
Internal Blue
I want to ask you something
Where do I begin?
I want to share with you
Something from within
But my fear is here
Inside of me
Clutching, holding tight
Do I dare share what’s within?
For fear you might not like
I want for you to understand
My good and bad go hand in hand
The smile that I let you see
Relates directly to the pain inside of me
But my struggles of internal woes
Have fierce and gallant fighting foes
I don’t lie down without a fight
I take them on deep into the night
So, I’ll tell you what’s inside of me
I’ll share my vulnerability
For this is what I want you to see
I need you to understand all of me
And though I’m frightened you’ll walk away
I hope you’ll listen to what I say
Because I believe my internal blue
Is full of grace and beauty too
And so I ask,
Have you ever stared out of a window and felt like life was looking in?
Seen a blazing sun in clear, bright skies while feeling damp fog beneath your skin
Have you listened to your favorite song and noticed the tune was suddenly flat?
Has someone thrown you a second chance and all you did was throw it back?
Have you done your day the best you could only to feel like second best?
Or spent last night watching the world sleep, wishing you could get some rest?
Have you cried and cried and cried some more…only to feel your drowning still?
Been given a prescription to lighten your affliction…only to wish for a bigger pill?
Have the simplest things confused your mind while the most complex define your life?
Did you wonder where the time has gone, and how much was spent on internal strife?
Or my friend;
Do you feel the pain of loved ones dear…so intensely that it becomes your own?
Do you desire to save the friends you have from getting lost in the dark unknown?
Do you give all you can just to help someone through?
Do you listen with your heart and wish there’s more you could do?
Do you revel in laughter, do you share every joy?
Do you take time to be kind to a poor girl or boy?
Does music lift your spirit, change your mood, touch your soul?
Does the feeling of a hug from a loved one make you whole?
Does the magic of the sunset capture your heart and mesmerize?
Does the mystery of the moon and stars bring moisture to your eyes?
Then I request,
Don’t let my palette of blues cause you to beware
For I can see into your soul and paint a landscape there.
Don’t let my sometimes silent, solemn sober eyes
Convince you to think I want to break our precious ties.
Don’t feel that my fears will overrule my consciousness
Embrace me in your arms and encourage my confidence.
Don’t think I’m not aware that my depression troubles you
Take comfort in the knowledge that I take it seriously too.
And please cherish all the moments I choose to share with you
For each one is enhanced by a brilliant shade of blue.
September 29th through October 7, 1997
Julia Ann Ferguson
Written in my attempt to educate people close to me that my depression isn’t always a negative in my life. It is an intricate part of some things I think are special traits I have to offer others.
Tags: acceptance, blues, depression, fear, gifts, internal blue, pain, personality traits, turning positive to negative
